Graduation musings

May 18th 2007

Graduation musings

It was with great pride that appa had collected my Anna University issued degree certificate, conferring the completion of my Bachelors in Engineering. He had mailed me the scanned copy with utmost humility – “Passed in first class with distinction. I am proud of you.” Those words offered more despondence than delight when I read it. It was last year in May and I was giving my final exams in the second semester of the Masters program; an experience which had taught me how to live life.

I had no pompous ceremonies to mark the BE Degree, which we treat with much facetiousness in the Engineering colleges of Chennai. Engineering, for the most of us, was four years of relentless fun that sans orthodox nerdish attitudes. If at all one decides to quench the thirst for knowledge, it was on the nights before the semester exams, when the lights would burn incessantly to make the score to clear the paper.

The few rashly ambitious, like me, take higher studies to be the best bet to make up for that lost phase of erudition. Like the other counterparts who made it to this country with me, I too made the transition with innumerous blocks, amidst annihilating home-sickness. However, I had gone an extra step behind and made irreparable blunders; landing myself in a well so deep, that for over eight months, I felt I would never surface.

I look back at the shady winter of 2005, when for the first time in my life I had spent a new year’s eve, shut behind lonely doors in disturbing silence. I clearly recall the eerie feeling, which had driven me to attempts of inexplicable euthanasia owing to an emotionally challenged mind. It indeed scares me to realize that I was capable of the extreme ignominy and guilt bundled up to take my life away; but glad I came through it alive, literally and figuratively!

Standing a year away from those dark ages, the imprints of not making a course, so brutally preserved in transcripts, still makes my heart sink and rise at the same time. Sink, because with it, I carried the hopes of a life-time I was ushered upon, blended with the anti-climax to those dreams. Rise, because, even after being smothered with the deepest dirt, I had pulled myself on to break it and come through, to experience this little windowed cube, a challenging code to crack and a contented bank balance.

Behind the aura of amiable life I stand at right now, the forgotten fears still lurk. With the graduation day approaching in a week’s time, I am reluctant to take that step to walk down the aisle to professorate myself as a MS degree holder. It gets me thinking what achievement means to me in the light of not just myself but the world around me. Am I deep inside, still averse to feeling like an achiever to even my nearest ones?

I watched the elaborate observance at NEU last Saturday, when many friends of mine took that bold step and smiled with utmost joy through the graduation robes at their proud parents and pals. The ceremony moved me by all bounds, beyond the resplendence and camera smiles. It was not about the 4.0/4.0 GPA or the 100K job, but the sense of responsibility one has; to be encouraging to oneself about every little step towards a professed goal. It was this responsibility, I was declined to wear.

Yet, I muse to walk at my graduation, amidst the inconspicuous world, which has much more to worry about, than this girl who is humbly confused about her achievements. I go through that file of my academic (pun intended) aggregation, denoted by loose printed papers. I wonder if I was running away from being accredited for the details in the papers and not for what I am beyond them. But then, why am I running away, is something I am still trying to find.


10 thoughts on “Graduation musings

  1. Naveen says:

    Responsibilities are not all that difficult. Yes, there are a lot of choices, and you got to make the right one. Either go for the calibrated, measured options where there is more understood and expectations of which are commonplace than the others where the extent of responsibility is still being realised.It seems to me, that the worry is about this uncertainity in responsibility rather than responsibility itself. You can’t do anything about it, but strive.

  2. Sam says:

    i dont know who you are , whats your sadness all about – but i feel very strange reading your post(s). I myself despise life at times , feel sick but when I finish reading your post , i feel like telling Life is wonderful , just too wonderful to be spent worryin – crap happens in life but it doesnt mean life’s sick – we all have such moments …Frankly I am trying to drive the same point on to me and I am not able to convince myself , but when I find someone else in pain ,some bitterness , i try to defend life – cmon life’s good , whats wrong with us ??? never lose the hope …

  3. Divya Das says:

    Naveen, I am talking about shouldering responsibilities to oneself. Just like you would stick up to ur dear ones, come what may, why is it that I am unable to stick up to myself, even after coming so far?I wonder if it is all about lack of confidence. But ironically, without confidence I couldnt ve coem this far!Sam, I wonder what your worry is. Well I think my post was mis-interpreted. Yes, life was sick, very sick a while ago for me. I have described it, a little poetic, a little despised. But, what I was trying to say is, life is so much better now. Well! it cant be better. But deep inside the fear still remains, which I am trying to get over, which I think even you should!! 🙂

  4. Naveen says:

    Don’t know the right answer.In my opinion, ‘confidence’ is the most abused word in english. It gives you no understanding nor conveys any meaning, just shrink wraps all the nonsense into one petite package.Hope, you get the answer, then, do share with me, because I too battle with problems similar to yours, albeit at another end of the spectrum, whose reason or answer, I have an inkling is commonCheers

  5. Mithra says:

    A graduation is always bittersweet.. the bitter fruits of resonsibility which we would rather not shoulder hang alongside the sweet feeling of toghetherness as a class, a recollection of wonderful days together.. it may not be a sense of achievement in the academic perspective but certainly, traversing the highs and lows of this joyful mystery called life is achivement, nontheless.. and you did do it, at times with the people in the seats next to you, i more ways than you would recollect..

  6. Divya Das says:

    Thanks div and Agnel,I have made up my mind to go ahead and take the walk and feel the feel of graduation! 🙂

  7. Durgadas says:

    achievements dont come without efforts …..and success is never sweet without failures…. only degree differs….cheers up and face life as it comes….. be true to yourself….. and never ever lose confidence …. all the best ….. all the best … all the way……

  8. Priya says:

    hey divs..Great blogs… well glad that the small wonder we have seen growing up in tvm has grown this big to write so well…am really happy for you kannaand do write in to me tooYoursPillu

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