There have been so many times in the past few months, I had lifted my pen to scribble a few undertones on the above motif only to crumple, trash and crash. It either seemed too personal or too extreme like Liz in Eat Pray Love. Not that I have conquered the emotions or here to share news, far from it; just another attempt at happy diplomacy and hopefully I don’t hurt in the bargain!
I have been on a baby shower, baby birthday galore in the last year. My close friend from back home is a mother of an adorable two-year old and I had marveled at her courage back then, when I was still struggling to fit into marriage (not that I am an expert now). Followed by a lull, suddenly the world around me mushrooming with babies, couples talking of planning; pre-natal preps, post-natal preps, natal preps, a few self-proclaimed love-To-Be-Singles and other who-wants-a-baby-when-you-got-a-career-and-a-LIFE! Let me stop before my head spins into my bare arms.
Keeping aside my views on all the above, for I have none, since it is none of my business anyway and I fit nowhere at the moment, let me digress to a baby shower party. We, a bunch of us, had thrown a babyshower yesterday for a very dear couple, to welcome the first miracle in our close circle of friends. The day had unwound on awesome food (of course!), lots of games interspersed with baby-shower games to embarrass the couple and a final cake and customary awards for the proud to-be-mom and dad.
Amidst all the fun and a reassurance I have often felt from admiring women who all-enduringly grow larger with life, conversations, not surprisingly, steered to why a baby, when a baby.. et all. And someone decided to drive this point home – You are never really ready to have a baby ever! You simply take a plunge just the way you plunge into marriage when you are not ready for it either! How subtly said and amiable on print, isn’t it? Simply put, if you are to wait for the want to want a child to dawn upon you, you may end up waiting forever! Daunting and relieving at the same time!
So where does that leave many a women like me, who don’t believe in walking down the altar alone and haven’t started their waiting or haven’t even thought about it? Well! That’s not true, I am thinking about it now, amn’t I? Oh well! So many eons ago, I had quipped about marriage being “a propagation of species”… well! My opinion sure has changed for I have survived 1900 days in one without getting into too much trouble (I hope! 🙂 ). So that is about marriage. What about the next commitment you ask? The one as big as committing to dyeing your hair fiery purple for life!?! Frightening to the bones as it seems at the moment, much so by, the fact that, the two best parents in the world had a tough time handling a tyrant of an incorrigible child like me, what would my unborn child be like? And suddenly the jeer of “how can the world handle another of you?” doesn’t seem so funny anymore. All this keeping aside the “weighing as much as your hubby”, “never losing the baby fat”, “ticking biological clock”, “locked down for life” expletives the super-slim-soccer-moms and feminists throw at you.
So, during my impending trip home, when I will be showered with questions on why not and hope for soon, I am going to redden with ignominy of the situation and the inner-person who fears it all will only gloat further. Or may be.. just may be like the one terrified petrified and stupefied of heights decides to go for bungee jumping, I may sport a Ron moment from deathly hallows of breaking down your fears and go for the kill. Someday…I say… for now its just the want to wait for the want to want in sight!